I should write, but I’d rather check Facebook.
I should edit, or I can scroll through Instagram one more time.
My Snapchat streaks are on fleek.
It’s getting to the point where I do these things subconsciously. The discipline to plant my butt in a seat and work for hours is gone. There’s so many distractions I’ve allowed -- sorry, someone just messaged me as I was typing this. I kid you not.
These aren’t bad things. How else would I easily keep in contact with my East Coast fam?
Maybe I want to be distracted. Life is so busy and seemingly pointless at times...who cares if I indulge in social media for hours?
Why am I even in Los Angeles? Jobs, yes of course. But if I came here solely to work, why am I still so dissatisfied?
No, I came to Los Angeles to create. To collaborate. To inspire and be inspired. Yet my days are filled with sitting in an office for eight hours, commuting for two hours, then playing video games at home for the rest, all while a muffled voice within me cries out, “YOU DON’T HAVE TIME TO WASTE!”
Creating is hard. Consuming food is always easier than cooking it.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m a good writer, or a good filmmaker, or if I even have ideas worth creating. To create is to be vulnerable, but I’ve become a little introverted since coming to the West Coast.
I know the problem. I’m impatient. I crave the feeling of being finished with a masterpiece, but I’m unwilling to get my hands dirty to make it.
There it is...the notification light on my phone is blinking. Someone has sent me a Snapchat. I picked it up, then put it back down. Lock screen. No, not now. I’m writing now. Focus.
I’ve been working on a new short for an HBO filmmaking contest, specifically for Asian Americans. How cool is that? Yet after working for over a month on the script with my girlfriend (She’s a screenwriter. Cool, right? Hashtag filmmaking power couple), it isn’t coming through. I had a vision for the film which became too long and convoluted...a good idea for a feature length, but not a short. Now we’re back to the drawing board and have less time to make something.
So what do I do now? Do I give up, admitting I wasted a month of her time, working our asses off on something that would never come to be? I can’t, and I won’t. However, the amount of time we have to meet our deadline stresses me out. A little over a month. That’s ridiculous.
Yet I have to create, don’t I? I will be severely disappointed in myself if I don’t, but I struggle to find a reason to do.
I worked so hard to write yesterday night, then fell asleep exhausted. Like a chicken without a head trying to be productive, I throw words at the screen hoping something will connect. Nothing does. It sucks. This film is dumb and pointless and--
Stop Josh, just stop. You’re so pessimistic. Creating should be fun, you mopey mop.
I know, Mr. Conscience, but if it’s supposed to be fun, why isn’t it? This is just like the time I tried to enter the Doritos commercial contest...all my creativity was forced and uninspired and IT SUCKED. I wasted people’s time. Also, why is “conscience” pronounced the same as “conscious”? Shouldn’t it pronounced “con-sci-ence”?
Josh. You’re getting distracted.
I know, sorry. It comes sub-con-sci-ence-ly.
You don’t have to create. There’s no penalty for not creating.
But I WANT to do it! I already do things I don’t want to do, why can’t I do things I actually want???
Because it’s hard. If it was easy, everyone would do it. Thousands of people before you have already given up. But you’re a fighter, Josh. Even if you fail, you want to be able to say you tried. The only difference between people who are successful and those who aren’t --
-- are the ones that gave up and those who didn’t. That’s a good quote.
I know. You made it up yourself.
I’m pretty sure I’m paraphrasing someone else who worded it better, but I’ll take it.
Okay, I should stop talking to myself. I do that a lot. If it’s embarrassing, I was never informed. But now you know.
So what’s the point of this blog? I do have a point, but not sure if it’s being communicated through this word vomit.
Self-acceptance is better than forced creativity. I shouldn’t force myself to create, yet I need to overcome the obstacles of inspiration. My best art is produced when I’m being true to myself, not stressing out on how it will be received or the critique it may generate. I may not be great, but I can strive for greatness.
Don’t forget to stay grounded. Remember why you work. Remember your friends and family, those who love you most. Put Christ first, and He will give you the desires of your heart. He’s the one who gave you the gifts, so don’t waste your talents.
Time to get to work.