I am a Christian. Christians are supposed to imitate Christ, who is perfect. I am also human, which makes that task much more easier said than done.
Sometimes I have doubts. Sometimes I have fears, worries, anxieties, all that fleshly nature crap flying at me twenty-four seven. This is my battle. Most of the time, I try to keep my shield up, blocking out these flaming arrows. However, my arms get tired and every so often, I lower my shield, allowing an arrow to sink into my heart.
Sometimes I don’t believe in God.
I start thinking about if God makes sense. Why doesn’t He show himself? Why does He allow evil in the world if He’s as benevolent as He claims to be? Why doesn’t He just cut to the chase and come down to earth with all His glory, power, might, and majesty?
These are fair questions I hope everyone who believes in God has asked. But sometimes, I can’t help but wonder if I try to fit God into a mold that suits my life, my wants, and my yearnings.
Sometimes I believe in the God I want to believe in.
Maybe He doesn’t show Himself because He wants us to trust Him. Maybe He allows evil because He also allows free will. For what is evil but the perversion of good, which God has created? We take the good things God has created (love, passion, and loyalty) and distort them to our own evil desires (rape, violence, and treachery).
The book of Revelation promises God’s return. The second coming of Jesus Christ. Who am I to demand that it comes now? Is it because I think my timing and my plans are better than God’s? Don’t I believe God is more intelligent than the life He created?
Sometimes I simply say I believe in God.
The truth is, what I say I believe doesn’t mean shit if I don’t act upon it. If I don’t aggressively dive into God’s word, find out what He has to say, and follow his commandments, then I’m wearing nothing more than a paper Christian mask homemade from AC Moore. Who said the Christian life was a breeze? Maybe after we die and go to eternal paradise with Jesus, our lives will be a bit more comfortable, but until then, why am I wasting time finding comfort in this temporary life? Or maybe I don’t really believe in heaven.
Think about it. Every time I choose earthly pleasure over heavenly treasure, I’m involuntarily saying I don’t believe in heaven. It doesn’t matter whether I think it with my brain or say it with my mouth. Like the oldie but goodie saying goes: actions speak louder than words.
Have I read God’s word thoroughly and discovered how He wants me to live? Better yet, am I living that way? Or am I wallowing in my selfishness and doubts, waiting for God to prove Himself to me before I put my full trust in Him? Technically, that wouldn’t even be trust if I had absolute certainty.
This is my battle, the war I wage ‘til the day I die.
I once heard a story about a man with two invisible dogs. The first dog was named Doubt. The second dog was named Trust. Someone asked the man which one was bigger. He replied, “Whichever one I feed the most.”